Christian stared at the papers laid down over the table, his arms were abandoned over there, around those pages formally typed, and the lost look that were watching the words danced out of focus in front of him brought out the feeling of emptiness that, actually, occupied a huge space inside his chest. Christian chuckled, how could an emptiness fill as much space? A huge space, actually. A large empty bubble has been growing and spreading throughout his body, more than anger, anguish, pain ...
Christian raised his head and looked out at the window ... the raindrops beat slowly against the transparent glass. Despite the temperature this year has being about 2 degrees Celsius above the average temperature it used to be before during the summer in england, the rain later in the afternoon felt cool. The Horses definitely liked this whether, despite the wide variation of the temperature that sometimes left them rather agitated than the young coach like it, the summer was certainly the favorite season of the horses as well as Olli's... Christian chuckled again, a dry smile, bitter, almost a groan. It was ironic to compare Olli and the horses... his horses, they were the most close to a friend that Christian had there. There were some co-workers, some of them has became closer lately but still not a friend like Andy or Dana... Christian was so proud of his work with the horses recently, he had progressed exponentially since he had started working for Mrs. Luke, he had learned so much . Christiam sighed. He kept so much attention on the horses, in his work and this stupid idea to satisfy his own ego and prove to himself that he had made it that he stopped paying attention to what was happening around and to those who really mattered, the only person whom made him happy. Olli
Christian bit his lower lip and shook his head, and in one quick moviment he pushed the chair back to get up, then lightly kicked the foot of the table and went to the kitchen. He paced from one side to the other in the small space between the counter and the sink, he raised his head and looked up holding his neck leaned back with both hands, helplessly. How it had happened, he sighed and leaned against the kitchen sink, arms crossed on his chest.
How did he not notice the signs? And they were not few. First, the not planned visits to England, out of nowhere Olli called him and a simple conversation created a reason for him to come around. Christian did not complain, quite the opposite, he felt completely happy and loved. When Olli was there, his life had more color, more shine... He smiled and the smile this time was sweet and gentle, his heart warmed slightly at the memory of waking up and reach Olli by his side.He could see him moving over there, Christian lived at the country side, but it was a beautiful and tourist place, he did not doubt that Olli would get a good job in a bar or restaurant there, and have the apartment just for them. No Jessica and her eternal mess, no Andy complaining when they were making up on the couch or whatever, Christian let out a low moan, it was a dream. Not that Christian did not like the company of their friends, of course he liked, but it was time to Olli and he to have their own apartment.
But Christian was an idiot when he proposed to his husband to move over there during a fight. Olli got it wrong... Okay, maybe that momment he wasn't fair. Oh God!!! Christian brushed his face with both hands, whom he wanted to fool he was a real jerk to throw it over Olli that way. But the truth is that he had already thought about that, he had thought to ask Olli to move to England when he agreed to signed the contract for another year, but... Anyway, what is done is done. Christian has been waiting for the best moment to bring the subject out again and this time ask him properly, pointing out the pros of that proposal. His smile widened on his face again to remember of Olli walking through the apartment wearing only his boxers and a bathrobe, while he was doing their breakfast when he had come over but his smile faded as he remembered the disappointment in his husband's eyes when he just gave him a quick kiss and run off to work, sometimes without even eat the breakfast he had done. "Damn Christian" the words came out aloud as Christian pulled forward and turned to walk through the kitchen again, arms outstretched he rubbed his hands and turned his head toward the table, the papers were still there... of course they were there, he had asked for them. Christian threw a sharp look at the papers, as if his eyes were able to make them disappear, which would not change the fact that Olli did not love him anymore.
Christian squeezed his eyes shut... Olli didn't love him anymore...
Christian opened his eyes, crossed the room with large steps and picked up the papers, flipped through them without actually reading them. He knew what was writing, he had been thinking about this for over a week. His marriage, his long nights alone in bed, about him cheating Olli and now Olli cheating him, he had been thinking of each situation from the last year, mainly the last six months, each little sign that Olli had sent and he had ignored... Christian felt a lump in his throat, his husband had made everything to avoid... Christian swallowed hard and couldn't help the tears. Olli had made everything to keep their marriage, to continue to love him... The coming travels, the attempts to talk, Olli has been always a talktative man, back then Christian loved to hear him, hear his funny stories even from the gossip magazines which he always used to tease him. Not that he has ceased to enjoy listening to him, but he had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders lately, and working had been hard and was always tired that ended without mood to talk or hear ... even worse when Olli called late at night, it was hard to keep a conversation after a fifteen hours shift... then there were the videos, Cristian felt a mixture of happiness and sadness to remember the videos. Yes, that was a great idea, since their schedules were not allowing them chattered over the Internet, see him in the videos, knowing how was his day and how were their friends in Dusseldorf was something comforting and exciting.But on the other hand, Olli always seemed strange in those videos, Christian did not know what or why at the time ... he sighed. Well now he knew ... Sascha !!! Christian closed his hand on his fists and once again closed his eyes trying to calm down.
The noise of the rain was louder now, the light rain had become a storm, but the noise subsided slightly. Christian remembered a picnic he and Olli had done few years ago, where they ended up sleeping under a tree and when they woke up the raindrops were large and rapidly became a storm and between collect things from the picnic and run to the car they became soaked. Christian laughed as he remembered that day. Later Olli stripped him, soaped him then they made love in the bathtub and later on in the evening in their room, they made love again ...
It's over!!! Christian used the back of his hand that were still holding those papers to take the tears out from his face. Olli was in love with Sascha now, he had confessed it. He had cheat on him... Olli had cheat on him ... Christian was not exactly recepitive during that conversation... okay... he was hard on Olli. That's right, but, for God sake, he had cheat on him, he should not be angry. He knew he had no right, not him, not after have cheat on his husband too, twice, but he couldn't help his feelings. They fought, of course, but Christian would forgive him. He loved him, he was wiiling to do couple therapy, or whatever Olli wants and since they kept together everything would be fine, they would be fine ... but when he said he had fallen in love with Sascha his world fell. Olli, his Olli ... His love, his soulmate.
He had seen the suffering in Olli's eyes too... They had a wonderful life together and Olli did not want to lose that too, he proposed a new beginning, he wanted to try again, but Christian had no right, he did not have the right to hold Olli, he knew the black-haired man still tried not to hurt him and he propbably would stay if he had asked, to make him happy. But Christian had no right, had no right to do that to him. He had no right to force him to stay while he was in love for another man, he had no right to ask him to lose his new chance to be happy again, since he was no longer able to make him happy. That's why Christian had called the lawyer office and asked for those damn divorce papers.
Christian straightened up, walked around the table, pulled back the chair and sit there again. The papers in his hand was slightly crushed, Christian dropped them on the table, reached out to pick up the pen that have been over there all the time and leaned over to sign them but, once more, he hesitated, then took a deep breath and closed his eyes again and visualized his husband's face . "I love you Olli." he thought then opened his eyes and signed it.