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Author's Chapter Notes:

The divorce is done and Olli is on his trip in Cameroon.

This is the chance for Olli to reflect the last month.



Olli is standing at the entrance of Yaoundé airport.
Lilly and Fritz, who brought him here, at the end of his vacation, they wave to him even from the car.
It was so good to see them.
To see Lilly. This little bundle of joy, his second love after...
He had long abandoned the hope, but now they finally met.

Smiling Olli walks to the flight desk and gives up his luggage. The friendly woman tells him that there is a technical problem and his flight is delayed.
"Well anyway! There's nobody at home waiting for me", he thinks and suddently a light sadness creeps over him.
Energetic he shakes it of, takes a cold coke and sits in a chair at the window in the waiting area.
He looks curious to the aircraft during their landings and take offs and watches the many people around him.
Whites, Blacks, Asians. He can see locals with their beautiful and coulorful robes, buisinessmen in  their suits, tourists in skimpy shorts or short skirts. Elder, kids, you can see the whole diversity here.
Olli absorbs all the impressions he can get. He done that the last weeks continously, he don't want to miss or forget anything.
Ollis thoughts wander around now. Here he gets so many new experiences.
Lilly and Fritz look so great to him, all the time. They have shown him creepy much of their country and let him be a part of their life.
Fritz has built up a good existance for him and Lilly. Somehow Olli is really relived, even they had tried to ignored it, they...UHHH... he always made himselfs thoughts about Lilly, if she's really fine.
And she is fine.
They have taken him everywhere. Lilly wanted to show him everything.
Fritz is working for a big german foreign aid organisation and Lilly is going into a german kindergarden there. Therefore her german is almost as good as Fritz'.
He has experienced and seen alot, from the rain forrest to the savannah, the life in the capitol where they live and in the country. They show him all.
He had no time to think at anyone else, no time to remember anyone, not even Sascha and he was glad about it, because this was one of the reasons why he has done this trip at all.

But at only person one he can't came by.

Hardly he had arrived here, Lilly has shown him a picture of them all three together and asked for Christian.

Fritz has thrown an understanding and regretful look at him and he replied it, as he told her, after a short hesitation, that Christian now lives in England and there urgentliy he had to look after many many horses.
He wanted not to pollute her and himself with more information.
Luckily Lilly has accepted it without asking further. Jet it was a balance act. Even though she was still to small to remember many details of them, for Lilly they have always been a unit.
And even he made this visit alone Christian was always there somehow.
In the moment when Lilly showed him the old pictures, they gave to Fritz for her to remember them, or the blanket they bought her, which still lies in her bed.
'I've already know when we have chosen it.'
Ollis mind works hard.
First they couldn't agree, but then as almost always they find a compromise. They chose the blanket with the ponys, Christian liked so much and therefore he could pick out the little musicbox with these funny stars, he wanted.

At this time they had still talked together and resolve their problems...
If Christian looked at him with his trusty blue puppy-dog eyes, he couldn't refuse him, but he himself always knew, how he had to make it, to enforce what was important for him.
Instinctivly a smile flits at Ollis face about these memories.
He shakes his head virgorously and drinks another sip, because he doesn't want to think about this. He prefers to think back to the trips he made with Lilly and Fritz.
Three days ago they were somewhere at the edge of the savannah in Fritz hometown and have visited Lillys relatives. They took him on a incredible welcome.

It was there too, where Lilly said him quite seriously, that she loves him, her "Papa Olli"
"Oh Lilly!" That was the most emotional moment of this journey. Touched he has taken her in his arms.
"My little one, I love you too, that you should never forget."
With her big innocent eyes of a child, she had looked at him and asked,
"Did Papa Christian still loves me too?"
He had promised her this firmly.
This was the first moment, when he almost had a bad consience, because he diddn't told Christian about Lillys letter and his journey.

But they don't talk anymore.

They have completed their relationship with the lawyers, it was easier for them to bare.
The less he has dealt with him, so close after their separation, it was easier to cope with.

First he was just disappointed, how could they alienate just as this?
Then he was angry. Angry on himself, on this one night stand, his frigging crush for Sascha, but then his anger spilled over to Christian.
"Oh Christian how could you let me down like this, that I could even think about things like these.
And at the end he was angry on them both, because they hadn't fought in due time. At the contrary they allowed their relationship to get lost.
At some point he was just sad and getting more and more discouraged, he clung on everything that promises help.
He has taken on Saschas advice and thrown himself into his work. The setup of the No Limits, his good old No Limits!
First it was quite difficult to be there, because the memory of Christian was all around.
In their flat he has banished him as good as he could, but there everything reminded him again.

At this table they had reconciled after their disput about their wedding plans and Christian has promised him to go as a 90year old man to the Christopher Street Day with him.
"This will not happen anymore" he thinks bitterly.

Or the kicker over there, what battles have they beaten with their friends, and don't care if they won or not, they had been always a good team together.
"Yes we were, but it's all over!"

Or there in the corner, there he made his proposal.
"Oh good god, I almost die of exitement"
Christian was so taken by surprise, he did not responded for so much time, that he had worried, if he would say no.
But then, he can remember how the beams on Christians face had spread and his hot kiss, and his 'Yes I will'
"My godness we were so happy" He could embraced the whole world.

Or a few month later at the bar, when Christian showed him the picture of his brother Gregors twins and they had discovered their wish to have a baby.
Somehow that was the beginning of the end.

First Lilly came and with her the coronation of their love and then when she was gone, loss, sadness, missunderstandings, deciet and all the uncertainties and injuries.
Even though their love has triumphed once again, obviosly the crack of that time never really healed.
But it has given them Lilly, she was their life for a few months and now he is here and was allowed to see her again.
And if he is thinking about that jet, he feels already pretty bad.
Now he knows how unfair it is to Christian, that he haven't given him the opportunity to do this too.
He remember how Christians eyes had beamed after their second wedding, when it seemed they had the chance to fly to Lilly and this Takamama National Park in Cameroon, by Jessies creazy idea.
And what happened, his mother broke her leg and Christian waived for him, waived the visit of his beloved Lilly for him.
Yes!! And now he alone had all this.
Olli reaches for his cell phone and browses the lots of pictures he made here. At least he could send him a few of them.
Whether he could dare?
Because this would mean to make a contakt.
But he doesn't know if Christian want this at all and he also doesn't know if he himself is able to.
For good reasons he told him after their separation he wants no contact and since this time neither him nor Christian have tried to get it back again.

And now he sits here in this airport hallway in the middle of Africa and the first time since then he admits thoughts of Christian, his former biggest love.
And he doesn't know wether this is good or not.
Since now he drove quite well with this stragedy of fleeing and repression.
He did so in their first divorce, but at that time it didn't really matched too.
The distance he wanted, the parties, the one night stands, Raphael. All the same as today.
The one night stands, his escape  in this feelings for Sascha.
Sascha is so different.
One day he is really nice and a good friend and the other day he decives you, is completely immoral to blame, that you lose your job and diddn't even feel gilty about. Or have sex with you, only as a try and than he said he loves you as a brother.
He is relaxed, nothing is ever certain with him.
Probably this was one of the reasons he is really so different.
With Christian he felt safe, he was his rock. He thought he knew him in and out.
"And what was it good for?"
Their separation had been so painfull to him, that he simply displaced it.
"Shit! Will I ever be able to get over this man?
I think I really had to admit, that Christian was a part of me and will ever be!
I will allways love him, but could I bear it again to let him closer?"

Olli take a look on the big scoreboard, his departure has postponed once again for half an hour.
How many times he faced this scoreboard in Düsseldorf looking forward to Christian and a few days later in London, when he hold Christian in his arms with tears of parting in their eyes.
With a yearning tender kiss and each time the hope, it was for the last time.
Every departure has cost him power, that he at the end diddn't have.
Maybe he had to talk about this with Christian, but he didn't want to put him under pressure, he knew how happy Christian make his job.
What chances it brought him, he could have never had at home.
And yes, at that time he still belives their so special love could handle it, could handle all, even the loneliness that succomb both of them to such idiotic one night stands.
But she has not endured it.

He has lost his big love!

No not his love, she is still here, but he has lost his relationship and his husband.

Olli is glad, that it's evening in the meantime and it's now quite here, so no one will see his tears running over his face.
As much as his memories hurt him now, he is actually happy about that, because somehow something dissolves in him.
The meeting with Lilly and his happy past and these forced hours here alone in this waiting room, gave him the possibility to deal with this finally, to handle all.
He no longer has to flee, he doesn't need to white wash anything.
He knows Christian is an important part of his life and will allways be.
And he is happy and grateful about it. Because nobody can take away the time he had with him, he brings it in his further life, which is starting right now.
"What life will bring? I will see!" Olli thinks and takes his bag, because the speaker finally says he can go to his gate now.
"Even if our paths find once again their way together, or wether I can make it once again to let someone else in my heart. I don't know!
But it will be OK, no matter how it comes.
And I know one thing for sure, I have nothing to regret.
Not my marriage and certainly not my love for Christian.
That I was allowed to experienced this has made my life richer, has made me stronger."

Olli settles down on his aircraft seat. His tears are dried and his smile lets his eyes find their shine again.
He feels, he had found again his peace of mind.

"I'm looking forward to come home, now", he thinks.
"Yes I'm looking forward to my home, to all the memories I find there and to all the new things there waiting for me."
He doesn't know wether he will tell Christian about this trip to Lilly or when, but one he know for sure, if he does, he will handle it now.

Chapter End Notes:

Sorry for the mistakes, this is my first try for a story in english.

It's not my native language.

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