"I've been thinking."
Nina looks up from her magazine, Vanessa's voice cutting through the comfortable silence. She's looking at Nina, sprawled out on Nina's bed, hands behind her head, and she looks more at home there than Nina ever could. Nina smiles wryly, "Uh oh, that's not good."
Vanessa sits up a little, grinning. "Shut it, Sommer." She lays back again, staring up at the ceiling. Nina flicks through the magazine absentmindedly, some teen-zine she doesn't remember buying, and waits for her to continue. "You've kissed Deniz." Nina looks up quickly. Vanessa's never mentioned... never wanted to talk about when Deniz and Nina were dating. She just sort of pretended it never happened.
"Yeah..." Nina says slowly, suspicious. She's not sure where Vanessa's going with this, but her tone is hesitant, wondering, and it piques her interest, because Vanessa is never hesitant, never unsure.
"...And I've kissed Deniz." Nina winces. It stills feels so weird to think of that, to think that Vanessa kissed Deniz, fucked Deniz. She turns to face Vanessa, putting the magazine down. Despite how uncomfortable she feels, Nina can't help but wonder where Vanessa's going with this. Vanessa turns on her side to look at her, and Nina can't help but notice how the duvet brings out the brown of her eyes, making them seem to glow. She wishes she had eyes like Vanessa's, instead of the cold blue ones that always stare back at her from the mirror. Vanessa says she likes them though, says they match her personality, because they're brilliant like a summer sky. Nina always smiles like an idiot when Vanessa says things like that, because she knows Vanessa doesn't say things she doesn't mean, not to her. And if that's true, that Nina's eyes match her personality, then Vanessa's definitely match hers. At first glance they look flat, dark, but once she looks deeper, she can see the twinkle in them, the mischief; and -- when Vanessa looks at Nina -- the affection. Her eyes don't look so flat then, they look warm, earthy, and Nina could watch them all day when they're like that, and never get bored.
"So if you think about it, it's almost like we've kissed."
Nina snaps out of her reverie, Vanessa's words sinking in. "What?" She shakes her head, as if that will help it make more sense. The disturbing part is, she can almost follow Vanessa's logic. It's true, they've both kissed Deniz... but to draw a conclusion like that? "What do you mean?" She asks, wanting clarification.
Vanessa rolls onto her back again, shrugging. "Just something to think about, that's all."
Nina chews her bottom lip. She has thought about it. Not about kissing Vanessa, indirectly or otherwise, but about Deniz kissing Vanessa. When she found out about them... it was like a physical blow. She was surprised at how upset she was, that they had been keeping secrets from her. And she was surprised to find herself angrier at Deniz. To find herself thinking he didn't deserve to kiss Vanessa. That it must've been nice, because Vanessa has really pretty lips, all soft and full. To find herself disappointed in Vanessa, and not really knowing why.
She gets onto her knees, crawling up onto the bed and clambering over Vanessa to lay beside her. The more Nina thinks about what Vanessa said, the more interesting it becomes. What if Deniz had never been their friend? What if it had remained just her and Vanessa and Tim? Or, more interestingly, what if Vanessa was a boy? Nina knows Vanessa would be her boyfriend. She knows without hesitation, and it's odd, because she's never really thought about it, but she knows for sure Vanessa would be. She's everything Nina looks for in a guy. She's a bad boy, but she's sweet inside, and she'd do anything for Nina, and Nina glances over at her, tracing her eyes over Vanessa's figure. No, she's definitely a girl. She's actually a little jealous of how very much a girl Vanessa is. Curves wise. And it's funny, because it's always been Vanessa who was the tomboy, and yet she's become so much a woman. More than Nina is. She finds a certain irony in that; that Vanessa never wanted curves, while Nina, who obsessed over the size of her breasts, the width of her hips, remained relatively undeveloped.
Nina looks at Vanessa pensively, pursing her lips. "I guess you're right." She lets her fingers play in Vanessa's dark curls. Another thing she's jealous of. Nina knows Vanessa secretly likes it when she does that -- play with her hair. Vanessa lets out a soft sigh, and Nina knows she doesn't even realise she's doing it. She lets her guard down with Nina, and this is why Nina puts up with her sometimes abrasive personality, because she knows this is what Vanessa is deep down, and Nina feels special that Vanessa only shows this side of herself to her. It's the part she loves the most, the part that took Nina so long to find, but once she did, she knew they'd always be best friends, because she loved Vanessa with her guard down, loved how it made her feel important, how it made her feel like she was protecting Vanessa for once. It made her feel needed.
Vanessa turns onto her side slightly, giving Nina better access to her hair, and Nina twirls the soft strands between her fingers, looking at the shifting colours within them. "I guess we have almost kissed." Nina says softly, and she's not really saying it to Vanessa, she's saying it to herself, a little surprised. Surprised that she likes the idea.
She can feel Vanessa's eyes on her, and she can hear her breathing, just a little unevenly. Nina wonders why Vanessa brought it up when it hits her. While Vanessa's never dated a girl, never spoken about wanting to, Nina knows that Vanessa just doesn't like to take the initiative. She claims that if a guy wants her, he should tell her, but Nina knows it's because Vanessa can't handle rejection, can't put herself out there. It's part of why she acts so tough... that maybe if she acts like she doesn't care, she won't.
Vanessa puts her arm around Nina tentatively, and Nina lifts her head, letting Vanessa slip her arm underneath the back of her neck. Maybe, Nina thinks, just maybe Vanessa likes her. As more than a friend. It's little hints here and there, that she keeps passing off as friendship, or just Vanessa being affectionate. She's never really given it much thought. It didn't seem to matter. Nina doesn't care if Vanessa is gay, straight or whatever, she's just Vanessa, and she always acts that way, always stands close to Nina, touches her. Nina does the same. But she notices how Vanessa's breathing changes, how her voice gets just that little bit huskier when Nina's close to her. Nina thinks she likes her. And she wonders... is that a bad thing? If Vanessa was a boy, she'd be Nina's boyfriend, so is it so different... her being a girl and being Nina's girlfriend? It's not gender... it's her personality. Would things change all that much? They spend every moment together as it is; they fall asleep watching movies together, ending up sprawled all over each other. Nina wakes up nearly every morning with Vanessa's arms around her waist, and it never feels wrong. She thinks about it carefully, letting her hand trail to Vanessa's stomach as she turns towards her, snuggling her head into Vanessa's shoulder. It feels natural, like the next step to whatever the two of them are. Nina realises they're not just friends, that it's always been something more, something deeper, something in between friendship and a relationship, and she'd always been happy with it being there.
Until Vanessa said what she said, about the both of them kissing Deniz. And somehow, that seems more wrong, elicits a stronger reaction in Nina than the thought of kissing Vanessa itself. What would it be like to kiss Vanessa? She can see it in her head, see herself moving to kiss Vanessa, and it's so powerful Nina thinks for a moment she has, that it was real. But no, she's still lying there, feeling Vanessa's stomach muscles work under her hand as Vanessa tries to keep her breath even, tries not to let on to the effect Nina's having on her. And secretly, Nina likes having this effect on her, likes the way Vanessa looks at her, like she looks at nobody else. It makes Nina's stomach do flip-flops, because she knows Vanessa doesn't want to show it, doesn't want her to know, but she can't help it. Nina likes that she can't help it.
Nina thinks she'd have acted on it sooner, acknowledged it sooner if she wasn't a little scared. Scared that things would change, would go wrong and split the two of them apart, and that was the last thing she wanted. She's never really considered it consciously, it's always been something in the back of her mind, something she wanted but was too scared to have. She waited for it to fade, even when she wasn't sure what it was, this... infatuation. She didn't want to act on it if it was temporary. And she thought it was, because it did go away. It's only now Nina realises that she pushed it away, convinced it wasn't real, because it felt too strong, too powerful to last. She never thought of it as a crush, never thought of kissing Vanessa per se, it was more she felt this.. this thing, a little bit like what she felt for Diana. She knew it was love, but it was different, stronger... a little scary. She didn't think of touching Vanessa, although Nina realises she enjoyed it more than she should have when she did, she just knew she wanted to be with Vanessa always, as close as she could be.
Nina had never thought of kissing her, and she starts to realise why. She can see it in her head, and it's so appealing, especially when Vanessa's here beside her, her arm around Nina and her scent filling Nina's lungs. Nina realises why her subconscious never let her think of kissing Vanessa, because the thought is overpowering, and almost isn't good enough. She feels her own breath start to grow uneven, and it seems so loud in the quiet room, even though she's got her CD player playing soft music in the background. Nina props herself up to look at Vanessa, her hands still splayed on Vanessa's stomach, and she can feel something tremble in her, because all she can see now is kissing Vanessa, and she really doesn't know if she should, but she doesn't think she can help it. And now even Vanessa's noticed Nina's eyes flicking between her eyes and her lips, her tongue snaking out nervously to run over them.
"Almost isn't good enough." Nina finds herself murmuring, and then she's leaning in, unable to stop herself, unable to get the image of Vanessa's pink lips, trembling just a little as she starts to realise, out of her head. And when her lips finally, finally touch Vanessa's she sighs, because it's everything she never imagined, everything she didn't dare to dream, and Nina realises her brain was smart to keep the idea from her. The kiss is soft, tentative at first, both she and Vanessa unsure, hesitant, unwilling to cross some line Nina knows she's already crossed, and is rapidly leaving behind. But it feels good, it feels so good, that she can't help but increase the pressure, keep the kiss going, because it's teasing her, and she wants more. And where all her kisses ended, with Deniz, with Mike, with anyone, she keeps going. It's not like a first kiss, it's like something she hasn't done for a long time, but that she's never forgotten, and it feels as natural as breathing, but infinitely better. Nina finds herself moving more on top of Vanessa, looking for better leverage, and her lips break apart for a moment, and she can't help but gasp as they come back into contact, Vanessa leaning up into Nina, her hands hot on Nina's waist. Nina's already addicted, addicted to kissing her, it's a taste she can't forget, a sensation she doesn't want to stop, and where she should be stopping, where she should be stammering and nervous, and wondering what this means for their friendship, she keeps going, and Vanessa seems just as eager to continue. And really, there's nothing to talk about, nothing to say, not when she can feel Vanessa's heart pounding hard against her, herr own heart beating just as fast. It's like Vanessa's a flame and Nina's a candle, and her lips are making Nina melt, making the hot wax pool inside her and threaten to spill over. And it's Nina who's running her teeth over Vanessa's bottom lip, wanting more, Nina who's tasting her, making Vanessa moan into her mouth. It's not really all that surprising; Nina's always really been the one in charge, always been the one who could control Vanessa, always the one who Vanessa gave in to.
Eventually, Nina has to breathe, the increasingly short and shaky breaths insufficient, and when she lets out a long breath, it feels like liquid pouring forth, and it's shaky, because her heart is beating so hard it's rattling her lungs. Vanessa's grinning, trying to put on some bravado, but when she speaks Nina can hear the tremor in her voice. "So you see what I meant then. About us almost kissing." She takes a shuddery breath and says quickly, "How it wasn't enough."
Nina raises her eyebrows in mock surprise. "Is that what you meant?" She can almost see Vanessa falling apart in front of her, and she's amused to find that for once, she's more composed than Vanessa. She realises that Vanessa's wanted this for a long time, acknowledged it for a much longer period than Nina has, who took the coward's way out and denied it. Vanessa's been living with it, aware of it so much longer than she has, and Nina finds that endearing, because Vanessa's emotionally naked before her, and she's not covering herself up, she's letting Nina see this sincere, ecstatic part of her. Vanessa gives a breathy laugh, and Nina presses her lips to hers again. Vanessa's been waiting too long, and, as Nina feels herself melt into her, she realises she has too.
disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended